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Showing posts from 2011

Sometimes, when I look back

Sometimes, when I look back on that day and the days that followed, I feel this incredible sadness.  Not only for you and what you went through, not for the fact that you died and being without you, but also for my own life, my own heart, for Chris' life.  The pain, hurt, loss and heartbreak during the month before you died, your death, and the time afterwards, is just so horrifying that this happened. And to me, my son, my husband. I tell myself that there are much worse things that happen to millions of people every day.  When I compare our situation to all the suffering around us, we have so much to be grateful for - the love and support we received from family and friends, the knowledge that you knew nothing but love from those around you, and that you died peacefully.  I try not to get weighed down feeling sorry for myself that such a terrible thing happened to my first child.  But I don't deny that pain.  To deny it would minimize or take away from the joy and happines

Bits of gratitide amidst many tears

Four months ago today I delivered my son  at St. Joe's Hospital.  I held his body in my arms and saw him for the first/last time.  After 20 hours of labor and 4 weeks of anxiety and fear, little Nico left this world before really ever having a chance to see it.  I still cannot believe it's been 4 months.  I sometimes cannot believe that I've made it through today , still walking and working and living and breathing and sometimes even laughing.  I can go back to that day and the days prior like it was just yesterday and I'm flooded with the same feelings of sadness and grief.  We have a long journey ahead of us, but we're getting there. We just finished celebrating Thanksgiving, a time of giving thanks, a time of being thankful.  But I kept thinking "I cannot be thankful, there is nothing only emptiness and sadness."  How do we begin to celebrate this day when my son is dead?  What goodness is there in my life to be thankful for right now?  But as I rea

Due dates

October 10th was Nico's due date.  It came and went, and I'm still alive and well.  I made it through the day, not knowing how or what I would do to get by.  The anticipation was worse than the day itself.  The anxiety those days leading up to the 10th must be similar to that of an expectant mother, anxious for the day her baby will be born.  It's very odd to know that I share these similar feelings, but with the full realization that my baby won't   be born on this day.  That he has already come and gone. Yet the anticipation is still there.  It's like my mind still going through the motions of planning/preparing for a birth that will never be/already happened.  Mr. C and I took the afternoon off work and spent some time at the Desert Botanical Gardens.  I wasn't ready for a desert hike but wanted to be surrounded by the desert and its smells and colors.  So the Botanical Gardens was a perfect place to go.  I felt Nico all around me, and could imagine him the

To-do list...revised

We painted a room this weekend.  And put together a bed.  Only difference is that we painted our bedroom instead of a baby room, and put together a new queen size bed instead of a crib. That's all...this doesn't get any easier.

Joy and Sorrow

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain... Some of you say, 'Joy is greater than sorrow,' and others say, 'Nay, sorrow is the greater.' But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed." – Kahlil Gibran
It's been four weeks since we walked into the doctors office and discovered that Nico's heart had stopped beating. I delivered him one month ago today.  Only now can I write a little about it, if only to make some sense of the tragedy that has swept into our lives.  The journey for us began at 25 weeks when I noticed he wasn't moving as much as before.  At that time, we discovered he had a congetical heart defect but was reassured that surgery at birth would correct.  Little Nico stayed with us for a month after that, but his heart just couldn't keep up and we lost him.  During that month I remember praying for a miracle to heal his heart.  When they said he was smaller than "normal" I prayed that he would grow.  When they said that I was losing amniotic fluid at each appointment and saw a continual decrease I prayed for fluid to fill my womb.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  But he died anyway.  So now I pray for peace and strength to get through this. Y

About Loss

How do I begin to say goodbye to my son, Nico?  I don't know how or if I'll continue here.  My heart is so broken, I have no words to express what I feel right now. "Love sorrow. She is yours now, and you must take care of what has been given. Brush her hair, help her into her little coat, hold her hand, especially when crossing a street. For, think, what if you should lose her? Then you would be sorrow yourself; her drawn face, her sleeplessness would be yours. Take care, touch her forehead that she feel herself not so utterly alone. And smile, that she does not altogether forget the world before the lesson. Have patience in abundance. And do not ever lie or ever leave her even for a moment by herself, which is to say, possibly, again, abandoned. She is strange, mute, difficult, sometimes unmanageable but, remember, she is a child. And amazing things can happen. And you may see, as the two of you go walking together in the morning light, how little by little she relaxes

Letter to my son...

Dear Nico, tomorrow you'll be 30 weeks old.  Please hang in there for 4 more weeks.  Just relax, grow, get strong and before you know it, you'll be in our arms and safe.  You are loved and perfect.  You are our miracle and I am thankful every day for the blessing you bring to my life.  These days have not been easy for us, I know you can feel my sadness, anxiety and fear.  But mostly my fear.  I hope that you can also feel my joy, excitement and wonder that you are in my life.  You're not even born yet, and you've already made me happier than I have ever been.   I am filled with thanks that we have you - even if only for a short time.  I still wake up, look at my belly, and am filled with wonder that our love has created you.  With God's grace we will get through this difficult time.  Just know that you are loved and we pray every day that miracles will happen and we will get to love and hold you close. Love, Your mama

The past few weeks

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So much has gone on in the last few weeks, I don't know where to begin. The last thing I thought I'd have was a "high risk" pregnancy.  Everything started out fine, more or less.  I didn't have morning sickness or trouble eating, and everything was going smoothly.  I did bleed a bit in the first trimester, but that ended as my second trimester started.  Mr. C and I have been preparing ourselves for a natural birth at the birth center by watching videos, meeting with our midwife and doctor and exercising with prenatal yoga and walking to prepare for the birth.  The second trimester was going great...lots of energy, belly growing, and just feeling really, really good. So, when I began to notice that I wasn't feeling baby move much anymore I was a little worried but thought I was overreacting, or being irrational.  But, after 2 days of little movement, I couldn't shake that something might not be right.  Finally, I decided to call my midwife who met us i

Summer plans

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I am a list-maker.  I make lists, add things to them, then, one by one, cross things off my list.  For some people, my lists are a bit much.  But I find that it motivates me to get things done.  Otherwise, I'll just keep thinking of all the things I want to do, but never get them done.   These lists are ways for me to overcome my Gemini-ness...  we start things that we never finish.  We have millions of things going on at once.  Lots of balls in the air. So, now that I have the next 6 weeks off, here's my summer list: Re-plumb the house! New roof Remove old wall heater...make wall shelf in its place Paint kitchen Remove carpet in baby room New carpet?  Hardwood floors? Paint baby room Make baby stuff -      * baby hats      * cute little bunny      * baby mobile Read non-baby related books (fiction!) Take a few trips out of state Weekend camping trips with hubby and pup Weekly yoga classes Get birthing ball and figure out what to do with it Okay, the first 3 things on t

Compassion Fatigue

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" That which is to provide light must endure burning ." - Victor Frankl  Me and my co-workers went to a Compassion Fatigue workshop this week - the new word for burnout .  I went because I thought it could be useful information to pass on to new No More Deaths volunteers or old ones, the ex-pats , as I call them.  The group of volunteers who committed many years and time and energy to the work only to leave it after putting everything they had into it.  But during the workshop I realized that the signs of compassion fatigue they talked about were very familiar to me and what I experienced.  So, the workshop was pretty kooky at times, and I didn't walk away with many answers or insights.  At one point, we did an exercise where we had to sit on our hands and relax our sphincter muscles...oh god, what did I get myself into?  Apparently, sphincter relaxation helps our body during times of stress and is a suggested practice when we're having a tough day.  Okay... I h

My changing waistline

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I do not fit into my jeans anymore...at all.  I totally love being pregnant and am constantly amazed at the way my body is growing and changing and shifting things around to fit a little bump in there.  But , I struggle with figuring out what to wear, how to continue to wear what I currently have without spending tons of money on maternity clothes. I came across a blog that gave me a great suggestion for what to do with your jeans.  This is perfect!  At first, I could zip it up but just needed help with the buttoning.  But   now , the zipper stays down.  Thank god for my hair ties! And I refuse to buy a belly band!  I know, I may end up getting one, but I really, really really don't want one.  Anyone else think they look medieval? I still find myself looking in the mirror in amazement that this is my body.  Being in touch and tune with the growing, stretching, changing body is remarkable.  I am so thankful that I can experience this once in my lifetime and hope to have very

It's a BOY!

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Our little bump is a baby boy!  :)

First trimester...

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Today I'm 18 weeks pregnant.  Well past my first trimester, so I feel that I can now write a bit about everything that went on during that time.  Maybe I'll start when I first found out we were pregnant.  My day at work started out pretty typical, when I suddenly felt faint as I was trying to stand up.  I seriously almost passed out!  I went to visit the school nurse who took my blood pressure and told me I was fine.  Clue number one. The day of my period, it didn't come...at all.  But I had all the pre-period signs:  bloated belly, sore breasts, moodiness.  Clue number two. I went on-line and looked up "early signs of pregnancy"  and it read "bloated belly, sore breasts, moodiness."  Clue number three. Those first 10 weeks were really difficult both emotionally and physically.  I was so incredibly tired all the time, ate non-stop, and had pretty severe cramping for weeks.  I was lucky enough to miss the whole "morning sickness" that

The Royal Wedding

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Circa 1980 I remember my first royal weddingI watched when I was 9 years old.  It was on super early in the morning and my sister and I got up and watched it, to see the dress, the ceremony, the whole excitement of it all. I also remember fallling asleep in the middle of it.  Somehow I was disappointed.  It wasn't all I expected it to be.  It didn't feel romantic, quaint, intimate, close.  I remember the dress being HUGE...the train flowing out for miles, it seemed.  But I was bored by it all. Fast forward 30 years and I just finished my own wedding planning and ceremony.  Definitely was more exciting than any royal wedding I've seen so far! I thought I'd share our ceremony, as it was so beautiful and romantic. Processional Someone Like You (Van Morrison) - sung by friend Welcoming Remarks Opening remarks on love and marriage - by pastor Reading One: Kahlil Gibran - On Marriage Then Almitra spoke again and said, 'And what of Marriage, master?'

Push Kick

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Wow, I just came across Holly McNish  and her collection of spoken word and poetry written during pregnancy, through labor and motherhood.  It's pretty cool! Go to the link below and listen for free(!) or make a generous donation to Camfed .  Push Kick - A journey through the beauty, brilliance and bollocks of having a baby . Thanks to Cate at Project Subrosa for this link!

The Journey

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I love Mary Oliver.  I love that her writings, her poetry somehow touches me very deeply.  It could be my intense emotions these days, but I've always liked her work.  And, if you want to buy me any nice gifts, I'd love some of her books! The Journey One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice-- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you s

My Eyes So Soft..by Hafiz

My Eyes So Soft Don't surrender your loneliness so quickly let it cut more deep. Let it ferment and season you as few human or even divine ingredients can Something missing in my heart tonight has made my eyes so soft my voice so tender my need of god absolutely clear. --Hafiz

Guess what?

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I've been waiting for the right time to share this with everyone.  A few months ago Mr. C and I discovered we are going to  have a baby!  Phew, what a whirlwind of emotions these past 4 months have been.  If you noticed me turning down a perfectly delicious glass of wine, or eating just about every two hours, or saw me go to the bathroom like a million times in a day...or realized that I didn't drink at all at my Bachelorette party or wedding, then this should explain everything. So many life changes at once, and I'm feeling incredibly blessed and shocked and thankful and lucky.  I'm what doctors call "advanced maternal age" and was pretty freaked out for years that I couldn't have kids anymore.  I went through a rough spot about 2 years ago ( just before meeting Mr. C ) where I realized that my life was out of my control, and wondered about the choices I've made and if I'd only done things differently my life would be where I wanted it to be. 

One month ago...

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One month ago today Mr. C and I tied the knot!  So exciting that I call him my husband and he, my wife.  It's been a fun month and we still say we're on our honeymoon.  I get this feeling of bliss and giddyness when I'm around him, makes me feel like a schoolgirl sometimes. This is how a conversation went when I told a co-worker that today is our month anniversary: Me:  Today Mr. C and I have been married one month! Her:  Really?  That's sweet.  I've been married for 28 years. Me:  Awww...do you still love seeing him every day and being together? Her:  Sometimes. Then, the whole room of older, married ladies burst into laughter.  It was like an inside joke that I'm not in on, yet.  I hope that in 28 years he'll still smile when I walk into the room, or I'll still race home just to feel his arms hug me and welcome me home.

Honeymoon in San Francisco

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    Mr. C and I went to San Francisco for our honeymoon.  Spent ten amazing days relaxing, eating, walking, sightseeing, and more eating.  I forget how much I love to travel and, luckily, I found a great travel companion.  I also love San Francisco.  The diversity of people, cultures and neighborhoods kept us busy exploring new things every day.  I think one of my favorite things to do was sitting on the bus and just listening to all the different languages spoken in one place.  When we were on the one bus, we heard lots of Russian and Japanese.  When we were on another, it was a mix of Mandarin, Portuguese, and other random languages.   Poster in Chinatown indigenous rights mural in Mission district San Francisco never seems to lose it's appeal for lovers, newlyweds, or couples.  My parents came here for their honeymoon over 40 years ago.  Countless friends have told me they spent their honeymoon here, too.  Seems like it's a city of immigrants, new arrivals, where al

My Wedding Day...

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I suppose most brides would say their wedding day was the most amazing day of their lives.  But, for me, I mean it .  This day came not without stress, anxiety, tears and disappointment; but despite all of it, it was the most remarkable gathering of people in one place.  It couldn't have been more perfect.  I couldn't have imagined it would turn out better than I thought.  I should start from the beginning.  Well, the beginning of the week, at least. It started with a phone call from my grandmother saying she couldn't come to my wedding, despite the fact that she was visiting from Chicago.  It appears that my father has more influence and can invoke more fear in people than I thought.   My mom also confirmed that she, too, could not make it.  My aunt from Chicago had also planned to visit, along with her 3 children, but soon discovered what it means to be on my father's bad side.  Turns out, he found out she was coming and threatened her (and anyone else even thinkin