Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Eleven months, 2 weeks, 4 days

Today:  eleven months, 2 weeks and 4 days, I am farther away from the grief that overtook me almost 1 year ago.  It lays dormant, reappearing whenever it wants, regardless of what I'm doing, where I am or who I'm with.  The grief comes with a vengeance, and can bring me back to the moment I knew Nico's heart stopped beating.  And when it does, the grief shows itself as a knot in my stomach, a lump in my throat and a wave of tears welling up behind my smiling facade. 

Mostly, I think my friends think I'm fine now.  And I am.  Most days.  These days, I can go about my day without the fear of breaking down at the drop of a hat.  I can go to the grocery store and not have to avoid the aisle with the pregnant mother.  More importantly, I can go to the places where people remember I was pregnant and not be afraid of them asking me about my son.  This still happens.  At the farmers markets, with the farmers from last summer still remembering me big-bellied and asking "How's your baby? He must be almost one now, right?"    Or, the stranger noticing my tattoo and asking "Who's Nico?"  I have my answers ready now:

Nico is my son.  He was stillborn at 8 months.
Yes, I did have a baby.  A boy.  His name was Nico, but he died when I was pregnant.
Yes, he would be one this year.

But I cannot say this yet, without the sadness lurking just beneath the surface.  So, I quickly walk away and leave them to ponder this news that I just threw at them.

Today, unlike a year ago,  my happy outweighs my sad.   I have no idea what the next years will bring me, but, little by little, I'm finding new reasons to stay in this world and find contentment with the direction my life is moving. 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Muffin top

I joined a gym this month but I still can't seem to find the time to go.  I'm planning on going tomorrow, I promise.  Really, I will.  I still have most of my pregnancy weight and lost only a few pounds.  I can't seem to get rid of it. I have what people would call a 'muffin top.'  This is what I imagine I look like when I think of it, just not as delicious:


So, off to the gym I go to lose the "baby weight." 

I'm starting to get that antsy feeling I get when I'm anxious.  The list of projects is growing, yet I can barely find the time and energy to do anything.  Getting back into shape is on my list.  I would love to fit into my clothes again.  I need to slow down and breathe.  Take my time and not worry so much.  But so much is happening these days, and I struggle with letting go of control and just let things "be."  How does everyone else do it?

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Sewing 101

Holy moly, I've decided to take a sewing class!  Not a simple, Senior Center sewing class taught by nice elder ladies who love to sew. Nope, a full semester of sewing 101 at a community college with "kids" about 20 years younger than me (now that makes me feel old!).  I'm not so sure what I got myself into, or my friend into.  I convinced a good friend of mine to take the class with me and I don't know if she'll ever talk to me again once it's over.  The class is taught by a young, skinny lady who worked in New York City for Calvin Klein (or someone equally famous and fancy).  I'm not so sure she can teach, really.  The first day started off with her saying "go pick a machine and begin to thread your needle and wind your bobbin.  Then just free sew for a while."  HuhWhat the heck?  Now, I know what a needle and bobbin are (I'm not that uneducated in sewing lingo).  But where do I start? 

After some time (and lots of cheating) I finally got the hang of the class and am really beginning to like it.  I decided - probably very foolishly - to go and get my own sewing machine.  First, let me show you what machine I'm learning to sew on.  It looks something like this one:
  
As you can probably see, this macine is digital.  A push of a button gives you so many choices to choose from.  It also costs over $1,000.  I decided to go a bit older and cheaper.  As you can see, this is my "new" machine:


Yup.  Not exactly digital, but I was assured it works.  It's also about 60 years old, and was free.  I apologize ahead of time to everyone I will be gifting hand sewn projects to.  I'll try my best to make sure it doesn't look like something from a 5th grade Home Ec class.  Wish me luck!