October 10th was Nico's due date. It came and went, and I'm still alive and well. I made it through the day, not knowing how or what I would do to get by. The anticipation was worse than the day itself. The anxiety those days leading up to the 10th must be similar to that of an expectant mother, anxious for the day her baby will be born. It's very odd to know that I share these similar feelings, but with the full realization that my baby won't be born on this day. That he has already come and gone. Yet the anticipation is still there. It's like my mind still going through the motions of planning/preparing for a birth that will never be/already happened.
Mr. C and I took the afternoon off work and spent some time at the Desert Botanical Gardens. I wasn't ready for a desert hike but wanted to be surrounded by the desert and its smells and colors. So the Botanical Gardens was a perfect place to go. I felt Nico all around me, and could imagine him there, running into cactus and falling on his face in the rocks (seriously, I thought about this and he's not even here!). It was a beautiful day, and I remember my little Nico and our dreams and hopes and wishes that forever stay with me.