Posts

Showing posts from August, 2011
It's been four weeks since we walked into the doctors office and discovered that Nico's heart had stopped beating. I delivered him one month ago today.  Only now can I write a little about it, if only to make some sense of the tragedy that has swept into our lives.  The journey for us began at 25 weeks when I noticed he wasn't moving as much as before.  At that time, we discovered he had a congetical heart defect but was reassured that surgery at birth would correct.  Little Nico stayed with us for a month after that, but his heart just couldn't keep up and we lost him.  During that month I remember praying for a miracle to heal his heart.  When they said he was smaller than "normal" I prayed that he would grow.  When they said that I was losing amniotic fluid at each appointment and saw a continual decrease I prayed for fluid to fill my womb.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  But he died anyway.  So now I pray for peace and strength to get through this. Y

About Loss

How do I begin to say goodbye to my son, Nico?  I don't know how or if I'll continue here.  My heart is so broken, I have no words to express what I feel right now. "Love sorrow. She is yours now, and you must take care of what has been given. Brush her hair, help her into her little coat, hold her hand, especially when crossing a street. For, think, what if you should lose her? Then you would be sorrow yourself; her drawn face, her sleeplessness would be yours. Take care, touch her forehead that she feel herself not so utterly alone. And smile, that she does not altogether forget the world before the lesson. Have patience in abundance. And do not ever lie or ever leave her even for a moment by herself, which is to say, possibly, again, abandoned. She is strange, mute, difficult, sometimes unmanageable but, remember, she is a child. And amazing things can happen. And you may see, as the two of you go walking together in the morning light, how little by little she relaxes