Tuesday, August 30, 2011

It's been four weeks since we walked into the doctors office and discovered that Nico's heart had stopped beating.

I delivered him one month ago today.  Only now can I write a little about it, if only to make some sense of the tragedy that has swept into our lives.  The journey for us began at 25 weeks when I noticed he wasn't moving as much as before.  At that time, we discovered he had a congetical heart defect but was reassured that surgery at birth would correct.  Little Nico stayed with us for a month after that, but his heart just couldn't keep up and we lost him.  During that month I remember praying for a miracle to heal his heart.  When they said he was smaller than "normal" I prayed that he would grow.  When they said that I was losing amniotic fluid at each appointment and saw a continual decrease I prayed for fluid to fill my womb.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  But he died anyway.  So now I pray for peace and strength to get through this.

Yesterday I went back to work.  After one month I felt like I couldn't postpone returning to work.  So that some sort of "normalcy" would return to our lives.  It wasn't as bad as I feared.  I am lucky to have a private office, so I cry and not have to worry about people seeing me fall apart.  The hard thing is returning to a place where I was once pregnant.  Everything around me is a reminder of my pregnancy, of my son, of my joy.  My students remembered that I was pregnant, now I have to tell them my baby has died. 

When I walked into my office yesterday, I found my room as I left it 1 month ago.  The pillows were still propped up on the couch.  The last time I was laying there, sitting back comfortablly, with my legs up and belly out.  Nico was was kicking or turning over, and I would spend an hour or so just laying and feeling him, loving him.  Before adjusting the pillows back to their regular places, I sat in the same spot, propped my legs up, and rubbed my belly, my empty womb, missing Nico, but still loving him.  Always loving him.

1 comment:

tiasarah said...

i love you, laura. i wish i could catch each of your tears, plant them, and grow the most beautiful flower garden for you to sit in, prop up your feet and think about your sweet boy, nico.