Tuesday, April 2, 2013

The past 38 weeks...


I've stayed away from this space for quite some time.  Still not sure if I'll be back at writing again.  I've tried to come back with some profound words or updates on my life.  But I've been busy holding my breath.  Today I'm 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  The eve of the birth of my rainbow baby is just around the corner.  Our little daughter should arrive this week, hopefully.  I can't express the range of emotions I've gone through during these past almost 10 months.  

I've spent the past 9 months going to way-too-many doctors appointments, having way-too-many ultrasounds, taking way-too-many vitamins and giving myself way-too-many injections of blood thinning medicine.  It's the farthest thing from my hands-off approach I imagined I'd have during this pregnancy.  No midwife this time, no birth center is scheduled.  Instead, we have a doctor that comes into our appointments with a huge file with my name on it.  There's alot of history in that file.  There are lots of lab and test results in there.  We have a specialist that is very preoccupied with his newest voice-activated transcribing gadget on his computer so he doesn't need to type when he meets with us.  We're scheduled to deliver at a hospital that had over 16 deliveries on the day we went to pre-register for our delivery.  The crazy thing?  This pregnancy has been so perfect so far and so typical and our little girl appears so healthy that it's all a "precaution" as they say.  Even crazier is that I'm okay with that.  I can be pretty stubborn and set in my ways, but I am very comfortable changing courses as I need to.  That's part of the change I've experienced since Nico died.  I don't quite trust my body anymore.  I don't  quite trust that things will work out well in the end regardless of how much you want it to.

This has been a beautiful pregnancy and I love being pregnant.  I love my body, my belly, my big legs.  I love that I've gained 30 pounds to grow this little being inside of me.  I appreciate and am comforted that our little girl is nestled in the same space that held Nico for 30 weeks.  Wish me luck as I prepare for a brand new adventure!  

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