Desert Laura

[From 8/2/16 - I never published this for some reason...] I swim in these emotions daily - gratitude and anxiety. Grateful for Isa and the happiness and utter joy she has brought into our lives. Every night, she still falls asleep on my chest, and I sometimes shut my eyes and feel her little heartbeat against my body. Her breath as she slowly drifts to sleep. Her little head on my chest, and I can smell her hair and sweaty head from running around in the dirt and sun all day. My sun-drenched miracle. My rainbow baby. I’m grateful that Chris’ cancer is gone. The chemo has kept the cancer at bay, showing no signs of return so far. Isa has a father who gets to play with her and read her stories and make her breakfast, lunch and dinner (yes, he does all the cooking). I have a husband that I get to sleep next to every night, that I can tell my dreams, wishes, fears and anxieties to. He’s alive. And I’m so thankful. And then there’s the fear and the anxiety at how close w...

After four days of labor - yes you read right - four days - we finally welcomed our beautiful daughter, Isabella Grazia, into this crazy crazy world.  She was born on Sunday, April 7th at 11:38pm weighing 7 pounds, 9 ounces and 19 inches long.  With a nice full head of black hair.   She's already 10 weeks old and just now am I finding the time and energy to write again.  The picture above really describes the whole birth experience in a nutshell.  I'm exhausted .  Chris is so happy and overwhelmed with joy.  And baby Isa came out with her eyes wide open and alert to everything around her.  She is about a half hour old in this picture and you would never know that she had a four day journey through my womb to get into our arms. I love this picture.  The crocheted blanket in the background was given to us as a gift when I was pregnant with Nico.  I call it " Nico's blanket " and I carried it with me throughout this pregnancy. ...

I've stayed away from this space for quite some time.  Still not sure if I'll be back at writing again.  I've tried to come back with some profound words or updates on my life.  But I've been busy holding my breath.  Today I'm 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  The eve of the birth of my rainbow baby is just around the corner.  Our little daughter should arrive this week, hopefully.  I can't express the range of emotions I've gone through during these past almost 10 months.   I've spent the past 9 months going to way-too-many doctors appointments, having way-too-many ultrasounds, taking way-too-many vitamins and giving myself way-too-many injections of blood thinning medicine.  It's the farthest thing from my hands-off approach I imagined I'd have during this pregnancy.  No midwife this time, no birth center is scheduled.  Instead, we have a doctor that comes into our appointments with a huge file with my name on it.  There's ...

Today:  eleven months, 2 weeks and 4 days, I am farther away from the grief that overtook me almost 1 year ago.  It lays dormant, reappearing whenever it wants, regardless of what I'm doing, where I am or who I'm with.  The grief comes with a vengeance, and can bring me back to the moment I knew Nico's heart stopped beating.  And when it does, the grief shows itself as a knot in my stomach, a lump in my throat and a wave of tears welling up behind my smiling facade.  Mostly, I think my friends think I'm fine now.  And I am.  Most days.  These days, I can go about my day without the fear of breaking down at the drop of a hat.  I can go to the grocery store and not have to avoid the aisle with the pregnant mother.  More importantly, I can go to the places where people remember I was pregnant and not be afraid of them asking me about my son.  This still happens.  At the farmers markets, with the farmers from ...

I joined a gym this month but I still can't seem to find the time to go.  I'm planning on going tomorrow, I promise.  Really, I will.  I still have most of my pregnancy weight and lost only a few pounds.  I can't seem to get rid of it.  I have what people would call a ' muffin top .'  This is what I imagine I look like when I think of it, just not as delicious: So, off to the gym I go to lose the "baby weight."  I'm starting to get that antsy feeling I get when I'm anxious.  The list of projects is growing, yet I can barely find the time and energy to do anything.  Getting back into shape is on my list.  I would love to fit into my clothes again.  I need to slow down and breathe.  Take my time and not worry so much.  But so much is happening these days, and I struggle with letting go of control and just let things "be."  How does everyone else do it?

Holy moly, I've decided to take a sewing class!  Not a simple, Senior Center sewing class taught by nice elder ladies who love to sew. Nope, a full semester of sewing 101 at a community college with "kids" about 20 years younger than me (now that makes me feel old!).  I'm not so sure what I got myself into, or my friend into.  I convinced a good friend of mine to take the class with me and I don't know if she'll ever talk to me again once it's over.  The class is taught by a young, skinny lady who worked in New York City for Calvin Klein (or someone equally famous and fancy).  I'm not so sure she can teach, really.  The first day started off with her saying "go pick a machine and begin to thread your needle and wind your bobbin.  Then just free sew for a while."  Huh ?  What the heck?   Now, I know what a needle and bobbin are (I'm not that uneducated in sewing lingo).  But where do I start?  Af...

Sometimes, when I look back on that day and the days that followed, I feel this incredible sadness.  Not only for you and what you went through, not for the fact that you died and being without you, but also for my own life, my own heart, for Chris' life.  The pain, hurt, loss and heartbreak during the month before you died, your death, and the time afterwards, is just so horrifying that this happened. And to me, my son, my husband. I tell myself that there are much worse things that happen to millions of people every day.  When I compare our situation to all the suffering around us, we have so much to be grateful for - the love and support we received from family and friends, the knowledge that you knew nothing but love from those around you, and that you died peacefully.  I try not to get weighed down feeling sorry for myself that such a terrible thing happened to my first child.  But I don't deny that pain.  To deny it would minimize or take away from...

Four months ago today I delivered my son  at St. Joe's Hospital.  I held his body in my arms and saw him for the first/last time.  After 20 hours of labor and 4 weeks of anxiety and fear, little Nico left this world before really ever having a chance to see it.  I still cannot believe it's been 4 months.  I sometimes cannot believe that I've made it through today , still walking and working and living and breathing and sometimes even laughing.  I can go back to that day and the days prior like it was just yesterday and I'm flooded with the same feelings of sadness and grief.  We have a long journey ahead of us, but we're getting there. We just finished celebrating Thanksgiving, a time of giving thanks, a time of being thankful.  But I kept thinking "I cannot be thankful, there is nothing only emptiness and sadness."  How do we begin to celebrate this day when my son is dead?  What goodness is there in my life to be thankful for ri...

October 10th was Nico's due date.  It came and went, and I'm still alive and well.  I made it through the day, not knowing how or what I would do to get by.  The anticipation was worse than the day itself.  The anxiety those days leading up to the 10th must be similar to that of an expectant mother, anxious for the day her baby will be born.  It's very odd to know that I share these similar feelings, but with the full realization that my baby won't   be born on this day.  That he has already come and gone. Yet the anticipation is still there.  It's like my mind still going through the motions of planning/preparing for a birth that will never be/already happened.  Mr. C and I took the afternoon off work and spent some time at the Desert Botanical Gardens.  I wasn't ready for a desert hike but wanted to be surrounded by the desert and its smells and colors.  So the Botanical Gardens was a perfect place to go.  I ...

We painted a room this weekend.  And put together a bed.  Only difference is that we painted our bedroom instead of a baby room, and put together a new queen size bed instead of a crib. That's all...this doesn't get any easier.

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain... Some of you say, 'Joy is greater than sorrow,' and others say, 'Nay, sorrow is the greater.' But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed." – Kahlil Gibran

It's been four weeks since we walked into the doctors office and discovered that Nico's heart had stopped beating. I delivered him one month ago today.  Only now can I write a little about it, if only to make some sense of the tragedy that has swept into our lives.  The journey for us began at 25 weeks when I noticed he wasn't moving as much as before.  At that time, we discovered he had a congetical heart defect but was reassured that surgery at birth would correct.  Little Nico stayed with us for a month after that, but his heart just couldn't keep up and we lost him.  During that month I remember praying for a miracle to heal his heart.  When they said he was smaller than "normal" I prayed that he would grow.  When they said that I was losing amniotic fluid at each appointment and saw a continual decrease I prayed for fluid to fill my womb.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  But he died anyway.  So now I pray for peace and stren...

How do I begin to say goodbye to my son, Nico?  I don't know how or if I'll continue here.  My heart is so broken, I have no words to express what I feel right now. "Love sorrow. She is yours now, and you must take care of what has been given. Brush her hair, help her into her little coat, hold her hand, especially when crossing a street. For, think, what if you should lose her? Then you would be sorrow yourself; her drawn face, her sleeplessness would be yours. Take care, touch her forehead that she feel herself not so utterly alone. And smile, that she does not altogether forget the world before the lesson. Have patience in abundance. And do not ever lie or ever leave her even for a moment by herself, which is to say, possibly, again, abandoned. She is strange, mute, difficult, sometimes unmanageable but, remember, she is a child. And amazing things can happen. And you may see, as the two of you go walking together in the morning light, how little by little she relaxes...

Dear Nico, tomorrow you'll be 30 weeks old.  Please hang in there for 4 more weeks.  Just relax, grow, get strong and before you know it, you'll be in our arms and safe.  You are loved and perfect.  You are our miracle and I am thankful every day for the blessing you bring to my life.  These days have not been easy for us, I know you can feel my sadness, anxiety and fear.  But mostly my fear.  I hope that you can also feel my joy, excitement and wonder that you are in my life.  You're not even born yet, and you've already made me happier than I have ever been.   I am filled with thanks that we have you - even if only for a short time.  I still wake up, look at my belly, and am filled with wonder that our love has created you.  With God's grace we will get through this difficult time.  Just know that you are loved and we pray every day that miracles will happen and we will get to love and hold you close. Love, Your mam...

So much has gone on in the last few weeks, I don't know where to begin. The last thing I thought I'd have was a "high risk" pregnancy.  Everything started out fine, more or less.  I didn't have morning sickness or trouble eating, and everything was going smoothly.  I did bleed a bit in the first trimester, but that ended as my second trimester started.  Mr. C and I have been preparing ourselves for a natural birth at the birth center by watching videos, meeting with our midwife and doctor and exercising with prenatal yoga and walking to prepare for the birth.  The second trimester was going great...lots of energy, belly growing, and just feeling really, really good. So, when I began to notice that I wasn't feeling baby move much anymore I was a little worried but thought I was overreacting, or being irrational.  But, after 2 days of little movement, I couldn't shake that something might not be right.  Finally, I decided to call my midwife who met ...

I am a list-maker.  I make lists, add things to them, then, one by one, cross things off my list.  For some people, my lists are a bit much.  But I find that it motivates me to get things done.  Otherwise, I'll just keep thinking of all the things I want to do, but never get them done.   These lists are ways for me to overcome my Gemini-ness...  we start things that we never finish.  We have millions of things going on at once.  Lots of balls in the air. So, now that I have the next 6 weeks off, here's my summer list: Re-plumb the house! New roof Remove old wall heater...make wall shelf in its place Paint kitchen Remove carpet in baby room New carpet?  Hardwood floors? Paint baby room Make baby stuff -      * baby hats      * cute little bunny      * baby mobile Read non-baby related books (fiction!) Take a few trips out of state Weekend camping trips with hubby and pup We...

" That which is to provide light must endure burning ." - Victor Frankl  Me and my co-workers went to a Compassion Fatigue workshop this week - the new word for burnout .  I went because I thought it could be useful information to pass on to new No More Deaths volunteers or old ones, the ex-pats , as I call them.  The group of volunteers who committed many years and time and energy to the work only to leave it after putting everything they had into it.  But during the workshop I realized that the signs of compassion fatigue they talked about were very familiar to me and what I experienced.  So, the workshop was pretty kooky at times, and I didn't walk away with many answers or insights.  At one point, we did an exercise where we had to sit on our hands and relax our sphincter muscles...oh god, what did I get myself into?  Apparently, sphincter relaxation helps our body during times of stress and is a suggested practice when we're having a tough day....

I do not fit into my jeans anymore...at all.  I totally love being pregnant and am constantly amazed at the way my body is growing and changing and shifting things around to fit a little bump in there.  But , I struggle with figuring out what to wear, how to continue to wear what I currently have without spending tons of money on maternity clothes. I came across a blog that gave me a great suggestion for what to do with your jeans.  This is perfect!  At first, I could zip it up but just needed help with the buttoning.  But   now , the zipper stays down.  Thank god for my hair ties! And I refuse to buy a belly band!  I know, I may end up getting one, but I really, really really don't want one.  Anyone else think they look medieval? I still find myself looking in the mirror in amazement that this is my body.  Being in touch and tune with the growing, stretching, changing body is remarkable.  I am so thankful that I can experien...

Our little bump is a baby boy!  :)

Today I'm 18 weeks pregnant.  Well past my first trimester, so I feel that I can now write a bit about everything that went on during that time.  Maybe I'll start when I first found out we were pregnant.  My day at work started out pretty typical, when I suddenly felt faint as I was trying to stand up.  I seriously almost passed out!  I went to visit the school nurse who took my blood pressure and told me I was fine.  Clue number one. The day of my period, it didn't come...at all.  But I had all the pre-period signs:  bloated belly, sore breasts, moodiness.  Clue number two. I went on-line and looked up "early signs of pregnancy"  and it read "bloated belly, sore breasts, moodiness."  Clue number three. Those first 10 weeks were really difficult both emotionally and physically.  I was so incredibly tired all the time, ate non-stop, and had pretty severe cramping for weeks.  I was lucky enough to miss the whole "m...