Five Years Later... on Gratitude and Loss
[From 8/2/16 - I never published this for some reason...] I swim in these emotions daily - gratitude and anxiety. Grateful for Isa and the happiness and utter joy she has brought into our lives. Every night, she still falls asleep on my chest, and I sometimes shut my eyes and feel her little heartbeat against my body. Her breath as she slowly drifts to sleep. Her little head on my chest, and I can smell her hair and sweaty head from running around in the dirt and sun all day. My sun-drenched miracle. My rainbow baby. I’m grateful that Chris’ cancer is gone. The chemo has kept the cancer at bay, showing no signs of return so far. Isa has a father who gets to play with her and read her stories and make her breakfast, lunch and dinner (yes, he does all the cooking). I have a husband that I get to sleep next to every night, that I can tell my dreams, wishes, fears and anxieties to. He’s alive. And I’m so thankful. And then there’s the fear and the anxiety at how close w